Purple Reign (Shortlisted for Global Soup)

Queenie ain’t pleased as she folds impressive arms around an ample bosom and stares out into space.  She’s a big woman hewn from ebony and no one messes with our Queenie: our Gran. Then she draws in her gaze and eyeballs Haz, her favourite grandson, and says, ‘What you doing bringing that woman here?’ This ain’t going to end well, we just know it. Us kids are standing right behind her, me (Bea) and you (Jeannie). We’re like peas in a pod us two and don’t go nowhere without each other. 

Haz simply flashes his teeth, that grin which is always guaranteed  to melt her heart, but it doesn’t wash today.  His Great British Smile. People often say just how much he resembles Prince and he now lives his life through that kind of telescopic fantasy. He is often stopped where people exclaim just what a dead ringer he is for the singer and not just plain dead and he plays along like you wouldn’t believe. We’re a dysfunctional family, but then who ain’t these days. Me and Jeannie flaunt ourselves on social media a lot and get loads of likes and we’ve got ourselves quite a following. And especially then we stick in a photo or two of our homegrown ‘Prince’ and of our gorgeous mum, but don’t get me wrong ‘cos we’re no Kardshians nor nothing. 

Queenie ain’t happy with all this media stuff though as she don’t like being in the spotlight much, but then she doesn’t really understand it at her age. Grandad’s called Duke which sounds a bit canine to me. Jeannie once re-named him The Thin White Duke after that David Bowie number, but it didn’t quite fit because one, he ain’t thin and two, he ain’t white. And we all live at Tower Hill.  When we was little and naughty Grandad  used say he’d march us straight up to The Tower and leave us with those Beefeaters and he’d didn’t mean no steakhouse neither.  Queenie would laugh and say, ‘And no nicking me jewels while you’re up there.’

Me and Jeannie have this FaceBook page called Purple Reign in honour of our special ‘Prince’. And this is exactly where she arrives big time aka The Nut. She’d been following our antics for sometime and then decided to make a swoop on our Haz, who was more than flattered; this beautiful woman who is so out there, taking an interest in our brother. Wow. At first it was funny and we must admit that we did encourage things, a bit...we put up pics of him doing mad things at fancy dress parties and she took the bait like salmon to a line. Oh my were we in trouble, but then Haz got real interested and the tone changed a bit quick and that’s when we knew Queenie would kill him- if he brought home a girl who was not like us. Okay, so I’m going to have to spell this out- if he brought home a c.a.u.c.a.s.i.a.n girl. Then Haz started talking ‘marriage’. What?

Well one thing led to another and there they were cooking a nice Sunday roast together when he popped the question and she said ‘Yes.’ Shit!

Well, if Queenie can’t stop the wedding then she can certainly make sure she has the final word. Mum can’t come as she’s off on yet another photo shoot, saving the world with her beautiful face. She being of single mother status for as long as we can remember and leaving us in the safe care of Gran and Grandad for all of our formative years. And they thought they’d done a pretty good job until this crazy bombshell hit and The Nut stepped into our family. I mean she must have known what she was marrying into- right?

Grandad Duke reckons this country’s ‘gone to the dogs’ what with Brexit and everything, but we just tell him that there’s more important things to worry about at the moment. Really? But he does go on some and I reckon he’s mostly right what with food banks and the cost of living crisis and... Tell you what- let’s have a party- that should lift our spirits. After all- when in doubt have a party, everyone else seems to.

So we push out the boat and we ring out the bells and a good time is had by all. The Nut chooses the May Bank Holiday for the wedding of the year so that everyone gets a day off and then all of our social media following can get to like it, not that we dared tell anyone where it was ‘cos Queenie would have just died on the spot. I did toy for half a minute with using a backdrop of St Pauls, until Jeannie stopped me. ‘This could kill Gran,’ was all she said. So we kept it shtum (or hoped we had) but The Nut had it plastered all over the internet, what with her in virginal whites and those saintly looks.

Well, nothing lasts does it because The Nut had a whole load of different ideas once she’d set her heart on our big brother and so it was curtains for us. ‘Good riddance,’ said Queenie although I knew she’d shed a tear or two at the loss of her favourite boy, but she secretly wished him well.

So they left for bigger skies and greener summer places to make an even bigger social impact on the world one way or another. And now there’s just this huge dark yawning cavern between us all. Queenie’s getting on now and I wonder if we’ll ever see Haz again in her actual  lifetime?

 In the words of our Prince:

I never meant to cause you sorrow.

I never meant to cause you pain.

I only wanted one time to see you laughing

...in the Purple Rain.

So I guess that’s what you could call the end of a reign in more ways than one.